It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted and part of the reason is because I’ve been feeling quite well. I’ve finally started coming out of the fog. And that’s precisely what it feels like – the fog has lifted, the cloud isn’t following me everywhere I go. It’s a really good feeling. As I’ve told my therapist, I’m having more 8-9 days, on a scale of 1-10 with 10 being the best.
But, I find it to be a little confusing too. I find it difficult to describe how I’m feeling better. I also find it hard to explain what I’ve been through to those who weren’t there with me in the moment. Maybe I don’t really have to do that but I tend to want to answer people honestly when they ask what’s been going on. So, I try to tell them and it doesn’t come out quite right. When I say I’m doing better, I feel like I have to explain it – what’s better, how is it better? I worry about people judging me for not explaining it well or seeming inauthentic. Perhaps that’s just my misperception.
My therapist loves to tell me that depression is a disorder of perception. I wasn’t convinced at first but her homework assignments made a believer out of me. One assignment is to write down 3 things I like about myself on a daily basis. Initially I was embarrassed by this assignment – as in, really, this is what it’s come down to? I don’t even like myself? I realized it was true when on that first day I struggled to come up with even one thing I did that I liked about myself. 35 days into the assignment, the list comes a lot easier and some days I even have more than 3 things! I started to apply this method to other people in my life – my boss, some family members, the co-worker who gets on my nerves. It truly helps to focus on a person’s good qualities and helps me approach them in a different way. All this to say that I think my perception of myself is changing and I think I’m starting to like myself again.
So, here’s to coming out of the fog and liking (or at least starting to like) myself!