Darkness

I’m truly not sure if I should be sharing this post today but something inside me is telling to put it out there so that it’s out of my system. I’ll trust that tiny voice and share this rough day. But I’ll warn you that this may not be an easy read because it’s not easy write.

I went into a dark place today. A place I haven’t been in 30 years.

I had high hopes for my Saturday, considering how I got through yesterday. It was not an easy end to the work week but I felt fairly productive at work, had lunch with a friend, and then friends brought over dinner. In between work and dinner, I had a bout of energy, and I managed to clean the public areas of the house and bake cookies. Go me!! Based on this sudden spurt of energy, I made plans for Saturday.

Hubby was due to work today and our plan was to exercise together before he went off. Afterwards I was planning to clean the guest room and mop the floor before meeting a friend for some shopping. That plan went out the door when I woke up too early after a bad dream, crying, and then found myself on the couch, unable to pull myself off to make myself coffee. After some urging from my husband, we went out for a walk. But not before being triggered by a song that had me sobbing. Pressure by Freddy Mercury and David Bowie. I don’t know why that was such a trigger.

After hubby left for his job, my goal was to shower and head out to meet my friend. Instead I found myself sobbing in the shower and having some very dark thoughts, questioning everything. I don’t have a plan nor have I made a plan to do anything but being alone in the house felt unsafe. I considered calling my husband and asking him to come home. But I didn’t want to bother him – I knew he needed to focus on the job. I could have but I couldn’t get myself to do it. I considered calling a hotline but was afraid of where that might lead. Luckily, I have friends who have repeatedly told me to call them anytime. I know they mean it but in the moment, I didn’t want to burden anyone. People have kids, businesses, plans with families and other activities and I just didn’t want to bother anyone. I canceled plans with the friend I was to meet. I sat on the bedroom floor and cried until I got the nerve to call one of my dear friends. In the moments before I convinced myself to make the call, I went through the reasons to call versus doing something else. Even though I had no plan. My friend stayed on the phone with me until I collected myself enough to get something to eat. I ate, remade plans to see the friends with whom I had plans, and forced myself out of the house.

Looking back on this afternoon, I realize how far down in the darkness I went and it scares me. It scares me to think that I had to come up with reasons to not do the unthinkable. It scares me that the reasons all consist of the impact it would have on people I love – my husband, my friends, my nieces, my immediate family, my in-laws. It scares me to think that next time those reasons may not be enough and the pain inside might take over. It scares me that in that moment I felt like I could not be alone. Does this mean that I can’t be trusted to be alone now? If that’s the case, what a pain for people around me.

I don’t know how much longer this will continue before the meds fully kick in (I know the stated timeline is 4-6 weeks). A friend recently reminded me that I’ve gotten through this before and I’ll get through it again. I’m not convinced of that, especially in the darkest moments, but I’m trying to remind myself of it . It’s so easy to spiral down and not know how to get out of the darkness.

I’m grateful that today I made it out. If you’re reading this and you’re in a dark place, please call someone, reach out to someone so that you also may get out of the dark place. Let’s be out of the darkness together for the time being.