Control

I think one of the hardest things about this is the lack of control I feel. I can’t control how I feel from one minute to the next. I mentioned this before in a previous post, but it’s really frustrating. I can’t predict what mood I’ll wake up in or what will trigger me. Like today – I woke up in a mediocre mood which quickly turned to upsetting mood as I tried to remember what my 8 am meeting was about and could not until the meeting began. I know there’s a whole industry around being positive and managing your mood – smiling makes you feel better and uses fewer muscles than frowning; just think of the positive in the situation; try to find the silver lining, and so on.

Quite honestly, when I wasn’t feeling this way, I was all about this way of thinking. I kept a gratitude journal. I still do but it doesn’t seem to have any effect on changing my thought process or help shift my mood. As I was telling my husband, even when there’s a happy moment, immediately afterwards I want to cry. Ask me if I’ve completed a task for work or even at home, and if I haven’t, I’m on the verge of tears. There’s no controlling it. I can’t help but feel like I should be able to manage it, change my mood by changing my thoughts but I just can’t do it.

It’s in these moments that I think it would be so much better to be numb and not feel anything. It has to be better than constant crying, pain and not being able to be productive, right?