What is this all about?

I’m depressed. I don’t mean I’ve had a bad day and work is miserable so I’m feeling sorry for myself and down about it. I mean for over a month now, I’ve cried more days than I have not. I’ve lain in bed and wondered if I really have to get out of it. I’ve been feeling utterly exhausted. all. the. time. I’m tired of hearing myself think because my thoughts make me feel worse. For over a month, on more days than not, I’ve had a cloud following me around all day, every day. There’s a knot, a heaviness in the pit of my stomach that just won’t leave. I feel like I’m grieving the loss of someone dear to me but I’m not.

My therapist has told me journaling is good and I like to write. It helps me get out of my head, put all the crazy thoughts down on paper and feel like at least they’re not weighing me down for a bit. But journaling feels a bit self-indulgent. I’m writing down all these thoughts to what end? What good is it really doing?

It’s been a while since I’ve been this depressed. At least 10+ years. I realized that my take on it is different. I’m more aware of it. I’m more aware of the fact that I don’t want to be the victim of it. If it’s going to happen, and I can’t stop it entirely, maybe I can put it to good use. Maybe I can use it to help those who have never encountered it understand it. Maybe sharing my experience will help someone else going through the same thing feel a connection. I’m very lucky. I have a husband who lays with me and holds me when all I can do is cry. I have close friends whom I can tell and they listen to me endlessly.

But maybe not everyone is as lucky as I am. So I want to support those people. I want them (you?) to know that I know it can be lonely. Even with my support system, it’s hard to explain, hard to say, “Hey, I’m depressed so I may not be acting the same as I normally do.” Or to ask for help, to ask for support in every day life.

Maybe I can use it to help those who have never encountered it to understand it. You might know someone who is depressed or suspect someone you know is depressed but you don’t know what to do. I’m hoping that by reading my experience, you will gain some insight in how to help your loved one.

I’m not making any promises. I’m simply hoping that this thing I’m going through, that these feelings/thoughts/emotions/episodes I can’t seem to turn off or stop, are presenting themselves for some purpose or that I can at least use them for some purpose.

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